No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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