i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
