if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize