You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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