Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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