the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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