My friends, they love my intelligence
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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