I'm passing your future prison.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
