I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
