Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
