Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
