theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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