she was so not down for the gang bang
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
