I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
