you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
