question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Congratulations! We have a period
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