My liver just broke up with me...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
