I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
