I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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