Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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