My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
