Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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