the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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