You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
