david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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