"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
