I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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