Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
