using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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