Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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