I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
