There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
