its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
