I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
home. puking in laundry basket.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
