belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
