Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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