wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
