is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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