Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
