i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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