So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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