i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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