My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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