insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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