Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
