You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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