Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
