I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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