I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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