I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
