how can u be prego again
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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