Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
