dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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