I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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