Who did Billy Mays play for?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
