Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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