Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
